Homeschooling 101 September 18, 2009

I thought I’d give you a bit of an update about my new life chapter: homeschooling. Actually, Unschooling. I have to say that I absolutely love it and believe without a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has for us right now. Not to say I haven’t found myself tossing and turning on a few nights wondering if I’m INSANE to do this. But at those moments I’m reminded of an essay I read about an unschooling mother. She voiced similar concerns and realised that when she found herself unable to sleep at 2am, worried about her children’s schooling, if they were in public (or traditional schooling environments) she would undoubtably find herself tossing and turning over other concerns for them. I’m always going to worry about my kids, but that doesn’t lessen my determined path now. I also have a friend who is a veteran unschooler and doesn’t mind me stalking her regularly to voice concerns and ask questions. Just to know that I’m not alone in this is huge.

I think the greatest struggle I have is enjoying my kids and our days so much; if we’re having so much fun, can they really be learning anything? Kids are always learning something so that’s really a moot point. Are they learning what “they need to be learning?” Well, that’s completely relative and I love that my kids enjoy their day and are growing as little humans.

Probably the most exciting thing is that my niece has decided to homeschool her daughter as well, which will give us so many opportunities to be together. Family is a huge priority for us and getting the chance to have our daughters (and sons, and us!) to spend more time together, is a great gift.

Throwing Dishes at God September 9, 2009

I can’t remember which book it’s in, but in one of Peter Kreeft’s books, he talks about Job’s relationship with God. Despite all his friends spewing wisdom about God, God Himself berates them for their efforts and aims at their hearts. I appreciate Kreeft’s take. He says (paraphrase, because I’m too lazy to look it up), “Job was mad at God, but at least he had a relationship with Him. He was angry, throwing dishes at God. His friends, on the other hand,  profess to know God, but live in separate rooms from Him and take separate vacations.”

I’m so there right now. I am throwing dishes and I’m sure my aim is so far off. I have breaks throughout the battle where I repent and then something else happens and I’m scouring my cabinets for more china to lob at Him. Things are just not going the way I wanted them to and I’m genuinely ticked about the whole thing. I see that I’m just a spoiled brat throwing a fit for not getting what I want and what I somehow am delusional enough to believe I deserve. But, wow, it stinks.

I guess the beauty of it is that I serve a God who lets me throw dishes and embraces me when I put down the artillery and send up the white flag. He is faithful, even when I’m not.  I was reading today (I won’t say what, because it’s hilarious what God can actually speak to us through) and God just asked me, “You don’t really believe that I love you? Do you?”  I burst into tears and told Him I don’t. I really don’t sometimes, even though I would never say that to anyone else about their lives, because I know it’s not true.

After talking about it tonight with Mondo, I felt so much better. It was good to get it off my chest, and I have to admit believing God’s love has always been hard for me. I guess, in the words of my book, “It just never made sense.” Very true, which makes it all the more wonderful.

The Bell Jar August 29, 2009

I’ve decided to start reading one of the hundreds of books I actually own, instead of always running to the library. Novel idea I know, but after packing up more boxes of books that anything else I own (even china, which is another vice) I thought it was time for me to read them. I decided to grab The Bell Jar and head to bed. As an English major I’ve of course heard of Plath, but never read her. It was not at all the time period that I expected, but I LOVE IT!!! There is a similar sense of waywardness that reminds me a lot of Salinger, but the female perspective makes it far more relateable. I instantly felt I understood her plight.

There was one paragraph that stood out to me. Although I’m settled in my life now, I completely related to it as a 20 something and there are parts that still ring true in my heart:

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

I read it over and over, at peace that someone else out there understood my heart. When I finished school I had so many opportunites before me and in fear of missing out on one, I attempted to grab all. Instead of them all dying though, I’d try one for a bit and then think the one on the other branch looked so much better, etc… Life is full of so many choices and I need to learn to be content in the ones I make. Now, that I’m “eating my fig,” I need to reach out to the other closest to me and closest to my heart and not fret about the ones on the higher, presently unattainable branches. This I guess is an addendum to my last post.

The Ugly Truth August 29, 2009

A friend gave me The Prodigal God to read recently. When I started I kept thinking, “yada yada yada, I’ve heard this before” and I have to admit I had a crummy attitude about the whole thing. As I got to the last third of the book, little by little I began to hear God talking to me. It’s one of those books that keeps illuminating my understanding and pricking my conscience even weeks after having finished it.

I have to say, I hate legalism. I think it is a complete insult to the finished work of Christ. Of course, everyone says they hate “legalism,” because “legalism” is in the eyes of the beholder. So let me clarify. I am a fierce defender of the believer’s freedom to glorify God with their freedoms as long as it’s done in faith. If you listen to secular music, great, if you drink beer, great, if you smoke, who really cares. To me these things are petty, insignificant habits that Christians like to get caught up on to make themselves feel far holier that they truly are. So, this is not the type of legalism that runs through my mind or I found convicting. Actually, refreshingly, The author, Tim Keller, never even acknowledges these types of freedoms.

The legalism he attempts to tackle goes much deeper. We all know the parable of the Prodigal Son and many of us have heard that it is actually about two prodigal sons, brothers. Keller wants to cut the crap and focus on the heart of the eldest, apparently obedient son. The Goody Goody. While he stays home the serves his father, it’s his reason for “obedience” that Keller tackles. Upon his brother’s return, he complains to his father about him having never been given a party even though he has “slaved” for him all these years. He completely missed the point of service, it wasn’t joyful service, but compelled slavery fueled by fear and a sense of both the debt he owed his father, and in turn, reward he thought would be his due.

There are a hundred other points, but this started gnawing away at my heart. Why do I serve God? While I love ministry, at times I have to admit that there is an unspoken Astrix next to my service. A little deeper in my heart is the explanation; “because I do this faithfully, You owe me a certain amount of blessings, whether now or in the future.”  I never even realized this was there, but it was my attitude towards my husband that revealed it. While I love being in San Bernardino and love the people we’re ministering to, this was never my idea. Armando has wanted to come home for years and be a light in his community. Lately, I’ve sat back and in my heart wrestled with bitterness and anger towards him, and more sadly, towards God. “God, I have served (slaved for?)  you faithfully all these years, just as much as he has, when do I get my dreams fulfilled?” Ugly, but true. When I signed up for marriage, Armando and I were foreign missionaries and it was the most fulfilling and wonderful life I could have imagined; it was the life I believed I was created for since I was 5. Eight years ago, we left the mission field and have been serving in SoCal (the one place, besides Siberia, I swore I’d never go). I have loved what God has called us to, but it’s never where I would chose to be.

So my present spiritual conundrum finds me at odds with my husband in my attitude, but ultimately with God in my heart. Now that I’m aware of what the struggle really is, I can pray and confess and pray and confess some more. I don’t want to “slave for Him all these years,” only hoping I’m going to finally get what I “deserve.”  I have always been at peace in God’s will, it’s just the idea of His will that I have a hard time with at this point.

A Milestone and a Miracle August 26, 2009

Today was a real milestone for me. It was one that I never envisioned experiencing, but I’m so glad that I have. When my daughter was born, in all honesty, I couldn’t wait for 1st grade when she would be in school all day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my daughter, but I despised motherhood. I never honestly wanted to be a mom, but my husband talked me into it and it was a very hard adjustment for me. I “kicked against the goads” for a long time and tried to live like I didn’t have a child, while carrying her around with me everywhere. My daughter took more naps in the Wal-Mart parking lot her first year, than in her bed; I refused to stay home…completely stir crazy.

Mary, my oldest is a wonderful child and a total handful!! She is all consuming and then asks for a bit more. I now know that that is simply who she is and can’t help driving me nuts!! Now I’m learning to embrace her personality and enjoy it.

So…back to milestones. Today I had my first day of homeschooling and it was amazing. In all honesty, not much changed; I have always tried to saturate my children’s environment with education.  We started the year with a field trip to the San Bernardino County Museum and the kids loved it!! Three hours later, I had to pull the kids out as I saw their eyes glaze over from missing lunch and being exhausted. We played cards, watched Bindy the Jungle Girl and my daughter read. It was so natural and enjoyable and the best part is that Seve, my 4 year old gets to tag along and grow and learn as Mary does.

Can’t wait until tomorrow – library day. I’m sure somedays I’ll want to hide in the closet and cry, but six years ago, I wanted to do that everyday.

Oh, the library July 26, 2009

Ok, I always need to add a little bit about libraries. We just moved and a really nice library is a couple blocks away.  As I’ll be homeschooling this year, I plan on spending a lot of time there. This one is completely state of the art; allowing you to check out your own books, reserve a computer via computer etc. Unfortunately, there are still librarians. Now instead of irritating them by asking for assistance, I must now irritate them to ask how to get assistance. I think the government should start hiring cats to work at libraries;  they have the same personality as librarians, without labor unions, wage disputes, salary cuts… They could just wear T-shirts that read, “How can I ignore you?”

Knowing my trouble with library fines, I think I may have met my match. Unlike the typical 10 cents a day at most libraries, this place charges 50 cents a day per book as a late fee! How can I afford to coexist with such tyranny? Get a job, never go? Or must I finally give up my one vice of consistently having overdue books? Alas, I must give in. My heart about broke when an obviously under-privileged kid asked why the automated machine wouldn’t check out his book. He was informed it was because he had a $10 fine. $10!!! Where is he supposed to get that? That’s brilliant, fine him beyond his mother’s means, so he won’t come back to the library to improve his reading skills!! Now that I think about it, I should have paid it for him – now who’s the insensitive schmuck?

To Tell or Not to Tell? July 23, 2009

I’ve been thinking lately about how much about life to share with my kids. I am a rather protective parent, but then totally open-handed when it comes to some issues.  Over the last few days, I’ve been realizing how much my 6 year old daughter, Mary catches onto to EVERYTHING we talk about. I should have caught onto this earlier, but somethings I just figured were over her head. After sharing a story with my sister-in-law the other day about a friend of mine who got pregnant at 15, my daughter told me later how excited she was to learn she only has to wait until she’s 15 to have a baby – her greatest wish in the world. I had to back pedal and explain without really explaining why that is not a good idea. As a side, just to illustrate my daughter’s desire for a baby, she told me that if the tooth fairy gave her $1000 (not at all likely) she would adopt a little girl and name her Elizabeth. In fact, recently my mom expressed her desire, despite my lack of it, that she wants me to have more children. My daughter again piped up and said, “I want her to too. But, grandma, she won’t even practice!”  I assured her that I promise to practice and expressed to her confused face that some day she would find this conversation rather uncomfortable.

Anyway, I digress…How much is too much info for kids?

I don’t know. I had to stop letting my kids watch Jon and Kate +8, because Mary would be devestated to learn that they are divorcing. I realise that it’s a part of life, but it causes too much instability in the fragile hearts of kids. Just today she asked me why people divorce and if she knew any who had. (It took her 5 years to ask why grandpa lives with us and not with grandma.) I told her that yes, I knew quite a few but didn’t want her to know that about people.  In answer to the “why” and I had to explain that marriage is about serving one another and sometimes one or both people stop doing that. She started into a list of ways that mom and dad serve each other and seemed to be relieved that because mom cooks and dad knows where the vacuum is, there was no chance of us divorcing!

Onto the subject of death. Well, she is aquainted with it, but it’s so hard to kids to grasp. I remember when my mom had to explain to me that the real Laura Ingalls was already dead. I think I went into mourning and hung up my bonnet. It’s hard. She watches the Crocodile Hunter quite a bit and I have resisted telling her that he’s gone. I mean she just learned that Bernie Mac died, so seriously how much can a young soul take?

But when it comes to real things, I want to children to have God’s heart. When their friends’ parents divorce I want them to have a heart of compassion. When a man standing outside of Wal-Mart asks me for money, I want then to know why I give or not. Although my daughter gets rather upset with me when I don’t. And for that I love her.

There is so much about being a kid that is no longer a part of me and that is not necessarily a good thing. I want my children to live and not become jaded or hopeless too young, it is a plague that is hard to stop.

I’m Baaaack! July 22, 2009

Seriously, where has the time gone? I can come up with many feeble excuses for not blogging, but two will suffice:

1. really busy

2. stress sucks the inspiration out of me

I’m blessed with the requests I’ve had to start writing again and I’ve been inspired lately, so here I go. Tonight a brief update will have to suffice. We moved about three weeks ago and I have to say that I LOVE living up here. Redlands is just a few minutes away and it’s so fin being close to a college town. I love the feel. I love our house so much more than ours in Murrieta and I’m spending a lot of time painting and try to make it home, blah,blah, blah.

Things are going really well with the Bible study/church that we’re leading.  The group that comes is a steady bunch of people who just want to grow; mostly college aged kids, but older adults as well. They all want to serve and there is a sweet sense of humility and transparency.

I have been teaching the kids which is akin to cleaning bathrooms for me, but I’m actually really liking it. We had a gal who starting teaching the kids, but chose to step away.  After praying about it, I decided to start teaching the 10 commandments. It’s actually really fun!

Please pray because over the next week or so we are going to see about making some big moves and starting a weekend study, which while the next logical step, is something that is really out of our hands. As we are using an existing church’s building, we are at their mercy, so we are praying for soft hearts on their part and flexible ones on ours.

Thanks for holding in there, see you soon.

Wrestling with God May 28, 2009

I spend a lot of time counseling people about various issues and struggles. I guess like anything, I get so in the habit of giving advice that when I’m faced with a personal crisis situation, I have to choose to use the advice I so freely give to others.

 Last night I was faced with such a crisis. I’ve had somewhat of a foreboding lately about something I feared God was going to put on my plate; Last night, I got the main course and I was livid. I woke up from a bad dream (too much Harry Potter) and couldn’t go back to sleep. For four hours I wrestled with God and told Him how I felt. It was so liberating to be honest with God. I initially attempted to pussy foot around how I really felt and finally decided, instead, to just come out with it and lay it out in human terms for God. I cried and cried and yelled in my head at Him and told Him all the reasons why I was angry and doubting His best interests for me. By five AM, I fell asleep and while I thought about the issue throughout the day, I was at peace in my heart. Iwas at peace with God.

I remember a few years ago when we started youth ministry that we had a get together with a bunch of the kids. We broke up into groups and started sharing about what God was doing in out lives. The girls went around and shared how God was teaching them this and that – rather basic, almost shallow things. Then we got to a girl who was new to the group. She had grown up in a broken home and had come back to Ca. to live with her father who had preveiously been a terrible spiritual example to her. I asked what God was teaching her. She looked right at me and without batting an eye, poured out honest word after honest word; she didn’t even know anymore if God was real. She was sick of Christianity, had little to no faith and wasn’t even sure if she cared anymore. Everyone went silent and sat in uncomfortable silence. I had to wonder if any of the other “good Christian girls” had ever had those same thoughts? Of course they had at some time, but went on acting instead of growing. I looked right at the girl and told her that was the best thing I had ever heard and I that more than anything else anyone there had shared, her honesty excited me most. I truly believed that if she took her doubts to God, He would meet her. He did and over the years, she found her faith and is now a missionary.

 Anyone who says you can’t be honest with God or says that it’s disrespectful to tell Him how you feel, I fear will never grow. It’s the same in a marriage or friendship. Not dealing honestly with problems, doesn’t mean you don’t have any, it just means you don’t care enough about that relationship to be honest. Wrestle with God, He won’t get His feelings hurt.  As for my situation, I’m not sure what God will do, but at least now I truly want His heart in the situation and I know He will give me the strength to obey.

Another couple good reads May 15, 2009

I’m still on my “book kick” right now and loving every minute of it. In a way it kind of makes me sad to think about how many hours I have wasted in front of the TV, instead of delving into a literary adventure. I feel like a part of me that was dead for so long is being resurrected.

Last week I finished Bridget Jones’ Diary. Having been a fan of the movies for years, I thought I’d take on another guilty pleasure in my life and read it. I have to say that the movie makes her twice the idiot that she actually is in print. Ok, not radically intelligent, but Rene Zellweger makes her look like she’s one crack pipe away from being Amy Winehouse. In fact, in the movie, it’s very hard to understand why Mark Darcy would be at all interested in her; almost makes you wonder what hideous character flaw makes him drawn to her. In the book, she is very normal, in that every other young woman (married or single) can completely relate to her: her unluckiness with men, her mood swings and weight gains. She is very human and cracked like the rest of us.

Yesterday I finished the first in the Harry Potter series and am having fun with magic. I know I’m about 10 years behind on the series,  but it’s fun to be a kid again. In fact, I think I had a hard time being a kid when I was one, so this is pure fun for me. I found it to be very entertaining and personally, more enjoyable that the Narnia series, but much more juvenile that the Twilight series. Just good clean, magic fun. Just checked the second one out at the library today and will dive in tonight. Happy reading