I’ll have to write a few posts to fill you in on the past few weeks, but tonight I’d just rather get to what is keeping me awake.
Currently my husband finds himself layed off and while most people would find themselves in a tailspin, he hasn’t. The irony is that I have found myself in one, although my position hasn’t changed an iota – rather regretably I must add.
This occurance has landed him in a place he has dreamed about for years. A chance to start a church, more like a ministry, in the area he grew up in. He has wanted to be there but nothing has really ever come of it. Strangly enough, it’s a place no one wants to go to and those who are there are looking for a way out. But San Bernardino has been Mondo’s dream for as long as I can remember. I have to add that I’m pretty sure the words “San Bernardino” and “dream” have never been used in a sentence together.
Nonetheless…this marriage of sumantics now exists in our family and even more amazingly, in the hearts of a number of others. So, my husband finds himself meeting with those who share his heart and scheduling steps to get the dream rolling.
I, on the other hand, find myself rather jealous. Ugh. I just realised that tonight as I was laying in bed reading The Shack. What prompted this illumination, I’m not sure, but suffice it to say, I had to come confess it, mostly to myself. I needed to publish the truth in order to have proof to remind myself later and keep my heart in check.
I guess what is the hardest to come to terms with is that I don’t know the last time I dreamt. Not sleep-wise, but life-wise. I often return to the ugly realization that men are able to follow dreams much more than wives (not women). It is true when Paul says ” a wife’s ministry is to her husband.” Not a bad vocation, just not always a “dream.”
Back to my struggle…I’ve stopped dreaming and I find that fact sad and disturbing. And if I choose to analyse my situation with temperal knowledge it goes like this, “My dream was to live in Europe and it appears I will live and die in the Inland Empire.”
Even sadder is that I lived my dream. It was wonderful and the question plagues me: “Was that it?”