Last a night we met with a few families that want to be apart of the new church plant in San Bernardino. We went around and shared what the Lord is speaking to us about our own lives and about the church goals in general. One friend said something that has really stuck out to me and God won’t let me shake it off.
He shared that since recently having their first child, he’s learning that his life is not about himself anymore, but about her, about dying to himself for someone who’s needs are greater than his own. This is not a major revelation, just a wake up call for me. It’s so interesting how the most basic Christian tenants can lie dormant until we realise we have completely ignored them and are being convicted, ever so gently.
This is so where I am right now. As a stay-at-home ministry mom, my life, by necessity (not personal design, trust me) is about dying for others. It’s just that I’m so tired of it right now and the load seems too much and I’m more than a little bitter about the whole thing. Actually, it stinks and I hate it if I must be honest.
I feel like my whole life is censored and altered to fit everyone else’s needs while I’m completely exhausted and empty. I know, poor me, there are women who live this way constantly and are sold into sexual slavery – ok, I get it – but my little life, even without the sexual slavery – is tiresome and a bummer right now.
I am constantly reminded to “take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.” It helps to weed out the legitimate issues from the spiritual warfare – at least when I apply it – it usually takes me a couple rounds with the enemy before I figure out what’s happening.
Big, uncomfortable changes make way for the flesh and I’m learning to die daily. When I face times like this, my usual prayer goes something like, “Please God do all you want to do in me now so I don’t have to be here again.” I’m excited at the fruit that will come as i die daily and see the ugly possibilities if my sin prevails. Deliver me from myself Lord.