I have to say that the last couple of days have been radically challenging for me – emotionally and spiritually. I have been faced with a huge hurtle – forgiveness. I am well aware of the fact that I have a hard time letting go of things – I think it’s a girl thing – unfortunately just knowing that isn’t enough. I know it and I’m wanting to change. Again, unfortunately the only way to change is to be faced with opportunities to do it. My last “unfortunately” faced me on Thursday evening.
There is someone in my life that I really don’t like, they are the proverbial “thorn in my side” – actually, a little south of that – but we’ll keep this PG-rated. Honestly, I hate this person. I’m not proud of it, but yes, I need to be honest with myself that I hate this person. It’s not the thousands of idiosyncrasies as much as the complete lack of caring that this person shows. Pleasing them is impossible, loving them, unfathomable. And yet, I am commanded to do so – and if the influence of heaven seems too far away – loving this person is something my husband is asking me to do. I have never had a problem with submitting to my husband, because he’s awesome – this is the hardest thing he’s ever asked.
What makes it such a heart-wrenching task is that fact that every time I love them, they shove it back in my face. It’s like an unrequitted love I never wanted in the first place. I don’t know, maybe that is the problem – is it truly love if we don’t want to love them? I don’t know…not feeling philisophical enough to ponder this.
I am constantly faced with my complete lack of love for this individual and my inability to love them within my own strength. What I want if for God to eliminate this person from my life but I know 1. That’s not nice (nor likely without rat poison) 2. I’m never going to grow in this area and there will only be yet another opportunity to forgive if I refuse this one.
So, I’m left with a moment-by-moment awareness of my inability and a moment-by-moment awareness of His grace. “Where sin abounds, grace abounds even more.” Thank God for His mercy. I’m going to try again tomorrow.