I can’t remember which book it’s in, but in one of Peter Kreeft’s books, he talks about Job’s relationship with God. Despite all his friends spewing wisdom about God, God Himself berates them for their efforts and aims at their hearts. I appreciate Kreeft’s take. He says (paraphrase, because I’m too lazy to look it up), “Job was mad at God, but at least he had a relationship with Him. He was angry, throwing dishes at God. His friends, on the other hand, profess to know God, but live in separate rooms from Him and take separate vacations.”
I’m so there right now. I am throwing dishes and I’m sure my aim is so far off. I have breaks throughout the battle where I repent and then something else happens and I’m scouring my cabinets for more china to lob at Him. Things are just not going the way I wanted them to and I’m genuinely ticked about the whole thing. I see that I’m just a spoiled brat throwing a fit for not getting what I want and what I somehow am delusional enough to believe I deserve. But, wow, it stinks.
I guess the beauty of it is that I serve a God who lets me throw dishes and embraces me when I put down the artillery and send up the white flag. He is faithful, even when I’m not. I was reading today (I won’t say what, because it’s hilarious what God can actually speak to us through) and God just asked me, “You don’t really believe that I love you? Do you?” I burst into tears and told Him I don’t. I really don’t sometimes, even though I would never say that to anyone else about their lives, because I know it’s not true.
After talking about it tonight with Mondo, I felt so much better. It was good to get it off my chest, and I have to admit believing God’s love has always been hard for me. I guess, in the words of my book, “It just never made sense.” Very true, which makes it all the more wonderful.