I’ve been thinking lately about the paths we take and how they affect our views of the Divine. What is amazing to me is how much our ideas about God change, when ironically enough, He remains completely unchanged. unfortunately it is always far easier to see this journey (or downward spiral) in someone else and rarely in ourselves.
I have a friend who has always been outspoken and very adamant about what she believes. But, what she believes continues to morph in a way that I find more and more disturbing. It’s not really what she believes (although disturbing) but why she believes these things that saddens me. I know that her beliefs are not as much convictions any longer, but reactions. She is reacting to her disappointments. She is disappointed with God.
When we suffer disappointments and hurts, we become confused and don’t want to attribute them to the loving God we have been taught to trust in, because that seems contrary, but we don’t want to take the blame either, so instead of simply trusting and surrendering our need to understand, we allow our understanding to deteriorate. We are disappointed with God as He is or as we think He is and therefore attempt to recreate Him in our own image. We change Him and alter Him and update Him so much, that after a while He retains none of His former glory and we’re so disgusted with Him, that we un-create Him. He no longer exists, He is extinct.
I don’t want to get there. It’s a battle though, sometimes more than others. I am faced with disappointments and I want to recreate Him, redefine Him and decompose Him so He resembles the things I want, instead of the things I need. I want the path, but not the outcome. As Bono eludes to, I want the Kingdom of God, without God in it.
The path of disappointment is faulty, but appears as a lush mirage only to slay you with spiritual thirst and death. While I want to react to my disappointments, I also want more, God is all His glory, not mine.